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Talking about memory concerns

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Finding the right words

Having an uncomfortable conversation about memory is the reason many families wait years longer than they should. It's often not because changes went unnoticed, but nobody knew how to start.

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Start with what you've noticed

Before you say anything, write down what you’ve noticed, including dates if you can.

Focus on observations, not conclusions. “I noticed you asked me three times on Sunday whether your appointment was on Tuesday” is something you can more easily talk about. “I think you have dementia” is a conclusion that can make the conversation feel threatening before it begins.

Choose a calm, private moment when neither of you is rushed or upset. Avoid bringing it up immediately after a mistake, when your parent may already feel embarrassed or defensive.

Choosing the right moment

Share a concern when you’re both rested and have some privacy.

A quiet moment is often easier than the end of a long family dinner or a stressful day. Remember that you’re opening a conversation, not delivering a verdict. You don’t have to resolve everything the first time you talk about it.

Sometimes, simply creating space to talk is a meaningful first step.

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An Asian couple in their seventies catching up over the noise of a farmers market

Starting the conversation

A few phrases that can help:

  • "I noticed you asked me about your appointment a few times on Sunday. Have you noticed that, too?"
  • "I have been thinking about getting a baseline for my own memory. Would you do it with me?"
  • "If there is something treatable going on, I would rather know soon while it is easy to fix. Do you agree?"

Notice what these phrases have in common: they describe rather than diagnose, invite rather than instruct and create a sense that you’re in this together.

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What to avoid

  • The word 'dementia,' at first. Certain words can feel frightening and can make it harder to keep the conversation open. There is time to consider them later, and they may never apply.
  • An ambush. With several family members present, the conversation can feel like a confrontation, even when everyone means well.
  • Quizzing them. Asking questions about everyday facts to see whether a loved one remembers, such as the day or date, can feel humiliating and rarely gives you useful information.
  • Arguing about specific incidents. The goal isn’t to prove exactly what happened, but to talk about what you’ve noticed.
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If they're not ready

A refusal is often rooted in fear rather than stubbornness.

Someone who has noticed changes in their own memory may have been quietly worrying about them for months. Being asked to confront those concerns directly can feel overwhelming. Pushing harder can make it more difficult to talk about.

Sometimes, the most helpful response is to give the conversation some space. You can return to it in a few weeks, offer to take the assessment together, frame it as a baseline rather than a test or suggest that their doctor raise the subject.

If there is a genuine safety concern involving driving, medication or finances, that is different. Bring those concerns to their doctor promptly.

Where to go next

If the conversation goes well, be ready with the next step.

Memory Exam is taken at home in 10 – 15 minutes, which is a much smaller ask than a clinical appointment. The early warning signs checklist can help you describe what you noticed, and preparing for a doctor's visit helps you prepare if the exam results show cognitive change.

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